About a month ago, via email I informed a long forgotten ex that I’m ready to move on after our break up that happened a couple of years ago even though I still love him.
Even after so much time had passed since that singular event, he still uses terminology used by couples. Well, I… I don’t know. He’s being a bit ambiguous about what we’re right now. (Judging by the first paragraph, I don’t think I should be the one to say he’s confused.)
With the email, I felt as if there was an explosion of fiery light from the sun that burnt off the pearly fog that obscured the perilous gorge between us that is called “vari.”
To my chagrin however, he responded with his usual submission. He did write a lengthy reply that could be summed up with, “Hmm, Okay.” Some people cannot understand what a “Dear John” letter is all about.
Really, he and my best friend are the two most submissive people I have ever met. A typical conversation with my best friend goes like this…
[On the phone]
Me: Oh God! Why… Why… (Okay, so this isn’t that typical.)
Me: Nothing will ever go right. The universe is conspiring against me.
Me: Everyone hates me. I want to die. I WANT TO DIE! AAAA!!!
Him: (still more silence.)
Me: Eh… hello, are you there?
Him: Yes, do go on.
Me: Well say something!
Him: Why would I want to interrupt you… you’re being so amusing. What do you want me to say?
Me: Well, I don’t know. That’s why I called you, you twit.
Him: Hmm. Hmm… okay, so everyone hates you, you said?
Me: well, no not everyone… there’s so and so, whatzisname… (counts.)
Him: Well there you go. Stop worrying about the people who hate you and treat them like you always do.
Me: Dhen, come on, really. How could you be so unconcerned, huh? What would you do if someone didn’t like you?
Him: So? What? Should I run a massive propaganda like you usually do in order to make that person like you? What a waste of time! I’d rather sit at work and play games on the computer.
Me: Aaaarghh! You’ll never understand! Never mind!!
All these years I’ve known him, not even once has he expressed anything regarding his desires, wants and needs. He doesn’t even have a girlfriend, nor does he want to get ahead in his career, nor does he think about getting higher studies. (Well, to my knowledge anyway.)
They throw me into a loop. I am someone who has a drive that is so strong that I passionately start a dozen projects. (And I lack that which is required to see them through to the end, like my book. What is it called… uh, patience, yeah that’s it. It’s one of those revolting swear words like “Hope.” *gasp!*) They make me want to try and make them a bit more assertive, really. Like grabbing them by the neck and shaking them vigorously while saying, “Be assertive, dammit!”
Anyway, I’ve moved on.
Right. Like as if. I had a very interesting conversation with a comrade (of my personal pride parade, or rather, Personal Pee Pee) who, while discussing a very interesting thing (a book on depression. What did you think?) said that he thinks some people like to wallow in their depression because they like the attention it gets them.
I wonder if that’s the case with me and my refusal to let go of my ex’s whom I keep dragging along with me by the hair on their hairy bosoms, if I were to quote a commenter. (I don’t think any of my ex’s have had hairy bosoms, by the way. If an ex is reading this, please inform me if hair had sprouted so that I can tug you around by it.)
I’m pretty certain that I dislike the attention it gets me. Uh oh… is that denial? Am I over-analyzing here? Well, I have this theory about some people who willingly give up control of their lives.
More on that later I guess.